We Are Who Our Kids See...

 I've wanted to write something like this for quite some time but I haven't really had the chance to sit down and write out exactly what I wanted to. Yesterday was Pink Shirt Day in support of anti-bullying. Something that is very near and dear to my heart. So what better time to write this than now?

While we didn't have proper official Pink Shirt Day t-shirts myself and my 2 girls wore Pink in support of the day.

As a mother of six children, four of which are in school I can tell you bullying is a HUGE issue. Huge. I didn't realize it until moving to such a big city, but even before that my son who at the time was only 4 years old was harassed by 2 boys who lived at the end of our old street.

Now that my kids are older and in school I've come to realize just how big of an issue bullying really is. It's pretty bad. 

Last year we even had to contact our Mayor and our local MPP - the bullying in the school was so bad for my oldest, and nothing was really done about it until we did reach out to the Mayor's office and our local MPP. Which to me it should never be that bad where you'd have to go so high up but it seems if you aren't getting anywhere with the school, or school board that is the way to go.

My kids aren't perfect, who is? But my kids don't go to school everyday looking for a fight. Looking to find someone to pick on, or abuse. My kids used to enjoy school, they'd talk about it all the time, lay their outfits out for the next day in their rooms and even help me make their lunches. Not so much anymore. They still love school and are eager to go, but some days they couldn't care less and it's not because of the fact it's school, it's for the simple fact a lot of these kids they go to school with aren't very nice.

I've been watching. I've been noticing a big trend at our school. The kids that seem to give other kids the most problems? Their parents are no better. Walking around with attitudes, like they are the best, they nor their kids can't do any wrong. It's those types of people who need to step back and take a look at what is going on because as parents we need to realize we are who our kids see. We are. 

Sure, our kids are their own person, have their own bodies and minds but who do you think their greatest example is? I know for certain my girls look up to me more than anyone else on this Earth. I know the second I mention something about my hair, or my shirt - they are going to automatically agree and think the same about my hair or my shirt.

I see the way some of these kids talk to other parents and even teachers and I'm in complete shock. The one kid last year who was a major thorn in our sides who used to pick on my oldest (because after I found out he was smoking pot at the age of TEN and stealing I told my son he couldn't be around him anymore the kid decided he would bully Jordan) - would skip school, swear at teachers which I didn't see until well after we told Jordan he had to stay away and his mother? Couldn't care less about what he was doing. This was obvious when I had to contact her a few times and she basically told me "Well he said he didn't do it" it's crazy. If the police came to my door ever regarding my kids you better believe things would be changing, and at ten? That's just unacceptable.

I think a lot of the bullying stems from home life. These kids have to learn it from somewhere. Happy, well adjusted, loved, kids with involved parent's don't usually have to deal with kids who are picking on other kids, putting their hands on other kids or calling names. It's usually the ones who are struggling -- Do you ever pay attention to those around you while you are picking up or dropping off your kids?

Here's a challenge: Next time take some extra time to just watch and take it all in. It's interesting what you can see and learn from people just by simply standing by watching in the pick up drop off line.

It's most definitely eye opening, and I'm for sure always on guard now. My kids know not to pick on other kids, to help out another child if they see one being picked on, and they also know not to let anyone touch them or make them feel bad about themselves. I make sure to talk to them all the time about who they are, who we are as a family, how much we love and adore them, how amazing they are inside and out. That's important. And even though all it takes it one other child to say one negative thing to your kid to have all of which you've built up come crashing down - it's important to do it anyways, so that when picking up the pieces they've already been told and know and just need to hear it that one more time. Kids are so young, naive, tender, sweet and innocent. Even those that are having issues. It's our jobs as parents to lift our kids up and make them know the good in the world, believe there is good in the world and to not let silly little things like kids who don't know right from wrong bring them down. After all we are preparing them for life, for the world..... it's a scary, scary thing.

You only live once, you only raise these children once. Make it count, because every little thing affects them. Deeply.

Where has the decency gone?

Yesterday I went and picked up my son's glasses, they finally came in. He had his previous pair broken a week ago at school so we needed to get him new ones. After I had picked up the glasses I had to run over and grab my kids from school. I had to go a slightly different way and As I was walking down the sidewalk pushing my sit n stand as it is too cold to not bundle right up and if I get bundled, and have baby on me I get way too hot and it brings on a migraine - whole other subject - so I had the sit n stand, we got right in front of the school when a car was parked right in the middle of the sidewalk. Not even enough room for me to push by. 

So I stood there and said "I can't get through" he sat there just staring at me. I said "Can you move so I can get through?" He shook his head no at me. At this point I was irritated, it was cold.. I had a 12 week old baby, and a 2 year old on the stroller.. I asked again "Can you please move so I can get by?" he again shook his head NO.

Baffled, and now angry I had to go on the road in to oncoming traffic - which luckily, stopped so I could get by - I did have some choice words for this man as I walked past him sitting in his warm car looking all smug. How rude can you be? I don't understand how hard it would be to move? It was in a bus loading zone for one which, you cannot park in... and for two? He took up the WHOLE sidewalk. Are sidewalks for cars now? I must have missed that memo.

I went right into the school office, and asked the secretary who I speak to about this and she said "The police" I said, "is it really a matter for the police?" I was a little shocked that she suggested I call the police because I didn't really see it as a matter for them but she said, "The police traffic division.. I call all the time, and urge others too as I'm just once voice and it's illegal what he did, and dangerous for you. Its a bus loading zone too. Big no no... Go get his license plate number and call!"

So back outside I went, however when I was coming out I saw him storming over to his car speed walking, dragging his child behind him. I got as close as I could before he drove off and got the photo above. I have no shame in sharing it, I'm just upset you can't make out the plate at all.

I wasn't able to call the police as he took off so fast, and again the photo didn't turn out so I can't even report it to anyone. I will however, be finding him on Monday and letting him know just how I feel about how he acted, in front of a school with children 10 and under... and what a wonderful example he is to those who actually did see (no children, school was still on but a bunch of parents looked on).

Why am I posting this? As a reminder to those who do drive - it's not that hard to be nice. It wouldn't have been hard for him to have turned his car on and even moved up, or moved himself over a bit. Ignorance has reached an all time high when a man can't even simply move for a mother with 2 small children. It's disgusting.

It's a bit ironic too because that morning my husband was speaking to a parent outside the school who is disabled, and she was telling him she couldn't walk on the sidewalk either and when she went to the principal with her concerns she told her to call someone who could deal with it, she couldn't. When the mom called the police to report and see what could be done? No one even bothered to call her back. 

It may not seem like much to some, so small or petty... But last time I checked cars are for roads, and sidewalks aren't meant to be a parking lot. Parents and Children shouldn't be put into danger having to walk on a road into oncoming traffic so you can park right in front of the school because it's cold and you don't want to walk far to pick up your kid! The school has 2 parking lots, both of which usually have lots of free spaces, and on this day in question? Did. Multiple.. The other side of the road, which is a 1 way street is where cars are asked to park if spots are full, so buses can pick up kids and parents can pick up their kids safely and freely using the sidewalk. Guess he didn't get the memo, and can't read signs.

Struggling..

Today I'm really struggling. I haven't seen or spoken to my dad or his family in 20+ years. It's been a tough situation for me, especially when I was 16 and my mom passed away from lung cancer. I had visits with my dad when I was younger and I remember them quite vividly. I remember never wanting to be with him, always faking sick or making myself sick so I could go home to my mom. He and I were just never really close and I never knew why.

All of a sudden he stopped coming to get me for visits. I would see him come down my street because his new girlfriend lived 4 houses away from us, but he never had the time to stop in and see me or say hi. I remember one day I was outside skipping and he drove down my street. I ran over to the drivers side he rolled down his window, talked to me for a few minutes and drove off into his girlfriends driveway and into her house. I remember just standing there so confused. I think I was about 6 or 7.

I would see my dad around town all the time as I got older. He lived a few streets away from a boyfriend I had from 15-17 and I remember when I got pregnant for Jordan I wrote my dad a note, I can't remember for the life of me what I put in it but I know it wasn't good, and my boyfriend took it over to his door. Knocked and handed it to his girlfriend... as I looked on from down the street.

It's always been a tough thing for me. Family as a whole has always been tough for me. My family was never normal, or even close to normal. We had members not speaking, members hating each other and not wanting anything to do with each other. It was never very healthy. But my mom, was incredible to me. She may not have been with my siblings, I can't remember anything they've dealt with or been through but my mom was my best friend.

I had 3 siblings but they were all much older than me and they were all from my moms first marriage, so different dads. They all had their lives and families by the time my mom had passed away. That was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with, and not just because she died - but because I was literally left with no one. Her and I dealt with her dying before her actual passing. I knew it was coming, her and I talked about it a lot. She was at peace with it, and I knew she wouldn't be suffering anymore. It was extremely hard, and still to this day I think about her daily. It's tough.  I wrote her a letter, I still have to this day. Apologizing for how rough I was on her -- I was so very angry that she was sick.. I was so mad at her because she was sick. She was a heavy smoker for her entire life, and she got lung cancer. I was angry. I was 15/16 years old dealing with a lot and I was not nice to her. I was just glad by the end she knew I was sorry, and why I was acting the way I was.. she understood. 

Once my mom passed away my dad was told shortly after, and I was told he would be in touch. He never was. I still saw him around town, and although I'm not 100% sure he ever saw me he never spoke to me if he did.

A few years ago I had someone call and tell me my dad was in the hospital he had internal bleeding. I didn't know what to do with this information. I had just had baby #4 and just didn't know. So my husband called him at the hospital to find out what was going on. He was nice, and genuine to my husband. My husband informed him he was a grandfather to 4 children... he had no idea. He told my husband he was ok, would be getting out of the hospital soon. That was that. I was relieved, and didn't think of it again.

Last night I got a message from his sister, my Aunt who when I was a kid I looked up to tremendously but who I also haven't seen in 20+ years, but recently came into contact with her on facebook and her 2 daughters my cousins who once upon a time ago I feel I was pretty close with. She had some news for me, and wanted to tell me on the phone not online - I had to get up the courage to give her my phone number and of course when she called, I burst into tears. It's A LOT to take in. A LOT.

She informed me my dad is ill, he has cancer. Inoperable cancer.

When I got off the phone with her I felt peace. I felt like no time has past and she had been in my life, my whole life. She was super sweet, and super easy to talk to. I was still angry with my dad, and I didn't feel any different towards him even given this new information. I went to bed, tossing and turning still angry. Replaying all the things that have gone on over and over in my head.... But then, today? I woke up. Feeling confused, and really struggling with feelings. There is so much, SO much I need to say to my dad. I am so angry, and hurt by living my whole life being unwanted by my dad but also never knowing why. WHY would anyone just walk away from their only daughter. What had I done? I realized once I grew up that it wasn't my fault, it was all on him. But there is still a lot of unanswered questions I have, and a lot I would have to say.

But the reality is, he has cancer. He is sick. Do I care? Of course, but am I sad about it? Not in the least. I'm angry. So, so very angry. I'm left now struggling with my own feelings and what if's. I'm not really sure how I feel. I do know I'm so sad for the little girl standing on the side of the road holding her skipping rope wondering why her dad doesn't want to visit with her instead of his girlfriend...

I'm really, struggling....