Flashback Friday: I Won't be Mourning.

I apologize in advance to anyone who is reading this who may be offended. It isn't my intention to offend anyone but I need to be brutally honest and say what I need to.

This is a Flashback Friday because I am following up from this post.

Almost a year ago now I had written that post about my biological father. I hadn't seen him in 20+ years and I got a phone call from his sister telling me he had Liver Cancer. At the time I wrote that post I wasn't sure how to feel, handle the situation nor was I even able to express my anger properly.

Monday night I got a message on facebook from my cousin informing me he is in the hospital in the final stages and it wouldn't be long before he passes away. I've had a lot of time think and process everything since that first phone call..

I texted my sister and wrote to one of my brothers on facebook to inform them (they are older and are from my moms previous marriage so we don't share a father but had the same mother) as I felt they too knew him they had a right to know.

My sister was busy so we didn't really get a chance to talk but the next day she sent me a text and we had a good chat. I had made up my mind I wasn't contacting the hospital, I wasn't returning home to visit nor would I go to the funeral. I made my decision and was comfortable with it. But, my very wise sister made a great point when she said I had to say my final goodbye or I would regret it. She knew from experience so who was I to argue with someone who knows.

I told her I couldn't say anything nice though so it wasn't a great idea. She told me to write how I felt and thought. So I did.

It wasn't nice, at all. I won't re-post it but after writing what I did I can honestly say, I never felt more sure of anything in my entire life as I did writing that letter.

She has a friend that works at the hospital he is in back home and said if I emailed it she would make sure it got given to him.

That night about 9:45p I got the message from my sister that my final goodbyes had been delivered and read to him.

We aren't sure his condition or if he was able to understand, but it was read and at that exact moment something came over me I can't even describe. A feeling of freedom, peace and happiness.

After 25+ years I was able to say what I had to say, and it felt great. No one could dismiss my feelings or tell me I was wrong.

Now, days later I am not sorry for my decision. I am not the type of person who will be fake to someone I loathe, even if they are sick or in this case dying.

In my opinion anyone who stops all communication with their 6 year old daughter because he would rather drink and spend time with multiple women doesn't deserve anything from me.

I was 16 when my mom died, I was virtually left alone. I'm more than proud of who I am today and every single one of my choices I have made in my life. He contributed nothing to my life, or to who I am. But there has always been a part of me that was angry and resentful towards him but now? That's gone.

So, I'm writing this as a follow up to my earlier post but also as a reminder to myself that I am who I am because of my mother, and myself. Just because death is upon someone doesn't mean I have to sell myself out to let them be able to die peacefully, I owe him nothing especially not a clear conscience.

As a sister, wife and mother I can say I have zero regrets. Jumping over this hurdle in my life showed me just how strong and genuine I am. Not only to myself but also in general. I won't fake it, I won't sugar coat, I am who I am. What you see is what you get.

Growing up I felt unwanted by this person. Then when my mom died I had to grow up, and I made amends with the fact I didn't have a mother or father. I was okay with this, I mourned the loss of my mother but never knew my father so I moved on and put it in the back of my mind.

Now, Years later I cannot go back to thinking or harping on something I never knew, or never had. I'm being real and true to myself, not excusing his behavior or putting my feelings aside. I'm taking this time to think about me, and only me. Selfish? Maybe, but like that saying goes - any male can be a "father" it takes a real man to be a "dad" and well, I never had that so I can move forward and be free. No regrets but most of all with my held high because I stood up for myself and voiced my own opinion and did so without fear or regret.

I am Free of guilt, hatred, sadness and anger. I feel no resentment. I'm not being held hostage by those feelings or lost hope any longer.

I'm finally free.

A Moment of Truth

I am a very honest person. Sometimes a bit too honest. Get paid twice in a month? It's okay, I'll send that money right back. Mail me 2 of the same item that I was only suppose to get 1 of? That's okay I'll let you know and offer to send it back or ask to give it away! I always go out of my way to be honest even if it ends up biting me in the butt!

One thing you may not know about me though, is that as honest as I am there is something very dishonest about me too - that is how judgemental I have become in the last few years. I am SO judgemental but at the same time too honest that it's actually gotten me to a point in my life where I had to stop all contact with some people, and regroup. It has nothing to do with anyone else, this is all on me. I felt like I would be too judgemental to others, and I would be negative and hateful for no reason. I would dislike someone for simply seeing them do things online and not even know them. I would see someone stroll through the park and think "well gee, does she have to stop and talk to me every single time?" Harsh, right? or I would see someone posting on a group or page and roll my eyes and just be pretty negative. It was bad. I, however wouldn't ever say anything that I couldn't or wouldn't say to someone's face had they asked. I always own what I say and do, but it wasn't always right. Is that dishonest? I'm not sure if that's exactly the right word, but it sure made me feel that way.

I didn't want my kids to overhear me talking or thinking like this so I put a stop to it right away. Although I'm still pretty judgy, I do make an effort to talk to people, get to know who they are before I form any real opinions. I've noticed forcing myself to do this leaves me in better moods, and I dislike people a whole bunch less! Even some I disliked a few months ago have become great friends, and yes I did tell them my original thoughts - but getting to know them proved that it was an issue on my end, and nothing to do with them.

Is there something about yourself you think you need to re-evaluate and work on? I think this will be something I'll always have to work on and not let get out of control again... But at least I am trying and so far so good.