Yesterday was a hard day to not have a clone. A double. A snazzy I need to be in 2 places at once machine.
Jayden our very brave five year old had surgery and I couldn't be there.
He was in great hands with daddy, but that still doesn't make me feel any better. I'm the type of mom that feels guilt if I am not with my kids and something happens. Good or Bad.
Oh a kid is picking on mine at school and she's crying? MOM GUILT. (And rage but that's a whole other topic!)
My child got an award at school but I didn't get the phone call? MOM GUILT.
It's who I am. I want to be there at all times and even though it isn't realistic it's still something that bugs me and I'm working on. I cry when my kids start the first day of school every year, get a report card and even when they accomplish little or big things. Crazy mom right here. But surgery? I wish I could be there.
Back when Ava was 2 she had surgery on her eyes. She was born with a lazy weak eye which also equals a bit of a cross eye. Jayden? Same thing.
After Ava's surgery I did not want to put any child through that again. I said no way, if they want it they can do it when bigger. Why? Ava woke up after surgery and flipped out. FLIPPED OUT. Instead of a nurse or doctor getting a us they put her back under. Wish I was kidding. But, I'm not. So finally hours after her surgery we got to see her and to be honest and blunt - she looked dead laying there. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to see. For 2 days after she cried non stop and was in a lot of pain. So I was against any more eye surgery. My husband didn't agree.
He is the one who has a lazy eye and wore bi-focals as a kid. They got this from him so he kind of knows what it's like to deal with (or not) and decided Jayden needed the surgery.
So, here we are. They had to be at the hospital for 9am. His surgery was scheduled for 11a-1230pm but they took him in an hour early.
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He did incredible and is doing wonderfully. He even facetimed with me from the recovery room. Where he had one of the most incredible nurses I'm told, which is AMAZING.
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When he got home I was so relieved. I think he was too and was happy to see me!
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He is feeling great, and is home with me today. So why do I still feel awful? I don't know if this is typical mom behavior this feeling of guilt, I don't have my mom to ask but it really truly is stressful not being there for your child. Instead I had to be home to get the other kids off to school, to be with Jackson and Justin (Justin who is still nursing and can't be too far from me for long) and there's no way I could have gone by myself with Jayden, I'm just too much of a dramatic mess to do that. I would have cried my eyes out and no one needs that, especially Jayden. So I sat home and made him things he requested like Blue and Green jello, Chocolate chunk cookies, Cupcakes and even a surprise little cake.
I think it's time to realize it's okay to NOT be at their side every time something happens. I'm NOT their only parent. How will they be independent, or learn how to cope with things on their own? Surgery is a big deal, but Daddy was with him so it's not like he was left alone to be scared or anything.
This is more of a mom's crazy guilt, attachment issue I think. After all when we did FaceTime the first thing he said to me? " Mom I fell asleep on my own! " referring to the fact they had to put him to sleep for the surgery. It wasn't him screaming in pain, calling my name through a fit of tears. He was OK.
I'm just generally the one there for everything. An ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on and a kiss when a booboo happens and is needed. I stick up for them and guide them when upset or in pain... But Daddy was there. So, I guess that's an issue within me I have to deal with - I just need to figure out how!
Babies don't stay babies for long, and they won't need their mommy forever. Time I start to face the music before I really learn my lesson right?
How do you deal with mom guilt? or any kind of guilt?
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Mom guilt is hard. It's an insidious thing that creeps in on most of us at one time or another. For some reason, we seem to be under the impression that the other parent isn't good enough or something. They ARE. We don't have to be there for everything. If we're there every time we can be, that's good enough.
ReplyDeleteI am terrible about the guilt, too. I feel bad about EVERYTHING and the thing is - usually there isn't much you can do about it other than to spoil them afterwards, which is usually what I do.
ReplyDeleteAww what a brave boy - it isn't your fault you couldn't be there and I'm sure he didn't mind - just happy you were there after it all waiting for him at home :) x
ReplyDeleteWhat a brave boy indeed. I am sure he enjoyed cuddling with you when he got home.
DeleteMom guilt is hard. It's perfectly normal to feel it, especially in times of need. But, sometimes you just can't be where you want to be. I'd like to tell you that gets easier or better, but there will always be times of feeling like that. Whether you are a full time mom or a part time step parent.
ReplyDeleteMom guilt is certainly the worst! I couldn't image not being able to be there for a child's surgery. So glad he was so brave, though!
ReplyDeleteNo kids here yet, so I can only kind of relate to that, but reading it, I'm so glad you were there with your daughter when she had the bad experience, because it you had missed that, I think you would have felt even worse :( I'm glad it went smoothly for him! I think myself I deal with pre-mom guilt, if there is such a thing LOL We have been trying to have a baby for a while now, with no results, and I'm constantly beating myself up over what's wrong with me that I can't get pregnant, and feeling bad because I can't give my husband a baby, etc. I guess I'd better just get used to the guilt, huh?! LOL
ReplyDeleteYou are right in saying that the blessing and burdens of parenthood shouldn't rest on you alone. Its good that you see that and share that message with other moms. Its good for the kids too...it really does take a village sometimes.
ReplyDeleteSo glad the surgery went well! So scary for everyone...but such a relief when it's over!
ReplyDeleteAw what a brave boy and so handsome.
ReplyDeleteOh man, that would be tough but at least he had his daddy there, right? Mom guilt... I think we all have it. I rarely get to eat lunch with my girls at school or attend school events because of my job but I am truly thankful that their dad has the flexibility.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe that they put her back under. I would be livid!
ReplyDeleteI think mom guilt comes with the territory. It's natural. I would have felt guilty like you did, but it sounds like your son did great, so no need to be upset!
ReplyDeleteMom guilt can be hard to deal with. I'm glad that Jayden's surgery went better than Ava's!
ReplyDeleteWhat a big kid! Glad to hear it went okay. I feel guilty for something almost every day!
ReplyDeleteIt is quite impossible not to feel guilty for big and small things. You are right you are thee for your kids in so many ways the guil is overkill but as moms it will never disappear
ReplyDeleteOh, we all feel mom guilt at some point and it's horrible, but it sounds like your son did great. Sending you lots of good thoughts!
ReplyDeleteI definitely have mom guilt. I want to be there with them for everything and feel so bad when I can't. Glad all went well for your son.
ReplyDeleteEvery mom has mom guilt, I am lucky that I have been able to be there for all of the surgeries my kids have gone through. Your husband was there and it sounds like all was well!
ReplyDelete(((Hugs))). Mom guilt is the worst! I've definitely had my fair share of mom guilt, and it's not a fun party at all. Glad your boy was so brave!
ReplyDeleteMom guilt can be horrible. My daughter had to have her appendix out when she was ten. I was able to see her into surgery but i had to go to work while she was being operated on and was not there when she went to recovery. I still feel bad and she is 19 now.
ReplyDeleteMom Guilt comes with being a mom. The best thing to do is not to dwell on it. My youngest started having seizures this year I often wondered if it was something I did.
ReplyDeleteI have had those mommy guilt a million times over. Being in the military I've missed a LOT of things including birthdays, graduations etc so I totally get it. I'm sorry you missed his surgery but I'm glad that he's doing better.
ReplyDeleteYikes. Your husband is right (I have similar issues) - but I feel your pain.
ReplyDeleteI think Mom guilt stays with you no matter how old your kids get. I still get Mom Guilt and my kids are grown.
ReplyDeleteThere is a kid picking on my son as well. I think Mom Guilt is just there.
ReplyDeleteI don't think there is much you can do about mom guilt. But I think if you do have it, it's a sign of being a good mom....which clearly you are!
ReplyDeleteYour son is so brave! I understand the guilt though, I felt the same way when I missed times like these in my daughter's life.
ReplyDeleteI don't think anything cures mom guilt. We can only be there and give them lots of love.
ReplyDeleteI"m so happy he's feeling good and home with you today. It's hard when our little ones have to go through anything, and we do want to be there, but dad's got it (and hurrah for that, it's a huge blessing). :)
ReplyDeleteMom guilt is totally real, and we all need to work on it. Daddies like that are AWESOME, and a blessing. Let Daddy have some of the fun ( and pain, and horror.) It's not easy to step back, but we have to sometimes!
ReplyDeleteI deal with guilt by embracing it because it means I care. I love that you want your children to be independent and to learn that you don't have to be there "to be there." I was a single mom for 8 years and the only parent, but you are blessed to have the support of a loving husband.
ReplyDeleteAww he is so cute. I feel guilty all the time. I have had to miss many things since I started school and I always feel so guilty. I have cried many nights because of it.
ReplyDeleteAw, don't fret about Mommy Guilt We've all been in situations, where you miss things :( I missed my eldests first school assembly as for some reason I didn't get the text, and as I didn't know the other mums at that point, I have no clue! Felt awful :(
ReplyDeleteMom guilt is so hard! But unless you only have one child & no job, it's just something we all go through. Which still totally sucks!
ReplyDeleteI hate mom guilt it's one of the worse feelings! There has definitely been more days than not that I needed a few of me to go around!
ReplyDeleteAfter a car wreck, I was at 1 hospital, my son at another. He had to have surgery on his leg. I couldn't be there as I was having my own surgery. It was awful. I understand the level of mom guilt you have! I had to learn to let it go. You will too. I'm glad things went well for him!
ReplyDeleteI think we all feel that guilt. We want to be there for our kids. But when we can't, I'm really thankful for the people who can be.
ReplyDeleteMom guilt is the worst. I'm so glad he's doing well now!
ReplyDeleteMom guilt is totally worry! Looks like you're doing an awesome job with your kiddos so don't worry (easier said than done).
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