I've been awful this week. We had no internet for 2 days, yesterday I celebrated my daughters 8th Birthday and now here we are FINALLY posting!
I've decided to start every Friday doing a Flashback Friday series. Something from my past I want to share, I can on Friday's!
This week I am posting about something I've wanted to discuss for a long while but hadn't found the time nor was I able to until now.
The Runaway Dad.
As some of you know I had Jordan my oldest who just turned 11 this past September when I was 18. I got pregnant at 17, and he arrived just over a month after I had turned 18.
What some of you may not know is, my husband isn't Jordan's biological father, but he is very much his father in every sense of the word.
Jordan's biological father decided when I was 8 months pregnant it was time for him to, well, run. After we planned and decided to have a baby (which looking back is ridiculous, and no I don't support or promote teen pregnancy), went to 6 weeks of prenatal class together, all doctors and ultrasounds, etc but it worked out the best and how it should have, I believe.
Not only did I have to grow up really fast, I had to do it on my own. It was hard emotionally more than anything. It took a long time for me to quit being so resentful towards my ex, because I was for so long. For good reason, but it's nice to be free of all that now.
Jordan and I lived together alone until he was 2.5 and then my husband moved in. He took Jordan into his life as how own and up until 2 years ago when we decided Jordan was old enough and mature enough to know he thought my husband was his Biological Dad. So we explained it to him and he was fine with the news. He had a few questions, some of which even I didn't know the answers to.
About a year ago I got a message saying Jordan's bio dad wanted to talk to me. Great, I had raised Jordan for 10 years got through so much and now he wants something?
I tried for years to get him involved. When I was younger it was dramatic, there was probably lots of things said that now I would shake my head at BUT I couldn't imagine sticking around for 8 months of a pregnancy then all of a sudden one day just calling it quits. Walking away from an unborn child. I just couldn't and still can't fathom.
So I messaged him on facebook to see what he wanted and of course HE just had to see Jordan. Well, that wasn't about to happen. Not only because my child was TEN, had no clue who this person was, wasn't supported by a single dime from this person for the first ten years of his life but because Jordan didn't want to.
Jordan had been on my iPad when messages came through, and he saw what was being said.
I told said runaway dad that I would speak to Jordan and my husband and see what we could do for him.
I felt it wasn't my place to say no absolutely not, after all it's what I did try to do for years and didn't think it had anything to do with me deciding BUT I also couldn't just not listen to Jordan and his feelings.
He didn't want to meet him. He did have some questions though. So, we set up an email for Jordan that only I had the password to so I would sit with him while they corresponded. They chatted via email for a few weeks before Runaway dad decided he had enough I guess and didn't write anymore.
Jordan was fine, he had questions, he somewhat had answered via these chats and he was fine. He didn't want anymore to do with him, and told me "mom I already have a great dad!"
That's when I knew not only was my kid special, but my husband and I raised him to be so smart, clever, genuine and helped shape him into this boy, mature beyond his years. He didn't need Runaway dad. That was fine with all of us.
I emailed him a few months later and let him know he wasn't to email Jordan anymore. It was uncool what he did, after coming into our lives SO many years later to just fall off the planet again. His response isn't even worth mentioning, but he seems to think I'm the bad guy, always and that he is entitled to something which I'm not so sure he is. We will see when Jordan's older he has our full support with whatever he chooses, and knows we will always be by his side!
I'll say though, Jordan shocks me all the time. This kid is a rock star, and I am so grateful he is my son. He's wise beyond his years, emotional like his mama and will make a beautiful family someday and an amazing dad and husband.
Jordan told me not long after communicating with runaway dad that his one goal when he has a family is to never let them down or leave them, he wants to be the best dad -- and I know he will be, in 20 or 30 more years ;) haha.
Chime in: Do you think I handled this situation decently? Should I have even bothered allowing Runaway dad to e-mail Jordan or was I okay to allow Jordan to choose? Sometimes I second guess myself over this, and it is something I think about often.
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You handled it exactly the way I would have. I can't say if it's right or wrong, but I think it was right to allow Jordan to have a say in the decision.
ReplyDeleteThe man I call dad is not my biological father either, mine ran away when I was little, we reconnected on FB about 5 years ago, but then lost touch again. I'm sure you're you'll make the best choice for your family, I don't think anyone can give you a right or wrong answer in this case, this is a personal choice and no one knows your child best except you.
ReplyDeleteYou are a great mom ! We have a similar story and I feel so blessed that our children have great fathers in their lives because I know not every child get that wonderful opportunity anymore
ReplyDeleteYou did a great job handling it. I think it is great that you allowed Jordan to have a say in it and if anything at least he got to ask his questions.
ReplyDeleteI think you did a fantastic job handling your ex! You allowed Jordan to interact with him in a way that keep him safe. He left Jordan again when he stopped emailing. Of course he blames you - people that only care about themselves never blame themselves. The world has wronged them!
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you did the right thing, and I think Jordan will always feel empowered that you respected his decision in this and that he can put closure on any questions he may have about his runaway dad.
ReplyDeleteThis is so heartbreaking. You made all of the right decisions for your son. And I agree, it sounds like your son got a way better daddy in the end.
ReplyDeleteI had basically the same situation with my oldest son. He knows his real father and even had a relationship with him growing up. I met my hubby when he was 2.5 also and my hubby has always been dad to him. They are very close still and he is 25 and has his own 2 sons so I think you made the best decision you can because let's face it runaway dad never gave you a choice to be no different. You have to think of Jordan nd that's exactly what you've done. I say good job!
ReplyDeleteI think you handled it exactly the way it was supposed to be handled, great job mom, seems like you are raising a great kid!
ReplyDeleteSuch a great story of hope in the midst of struggle. I couldn't fathom what you must have went through
ReplyDeleteAs far as I am concerned, you did a super job the way you handled this stressful situation. Just because a person provides the sperm, ... that sure doesn't make him a Dad!
ReplyDeleteYou did Great Mom! Knowing that yourself and your son- that's the goal! And in the end- he told you- He wants to be a great dad! High Five on that!
ReplyDeleteI think you handled it beautifully! And I'll bet Jordan will thank you for it in the future especially!
ReplyDeleteI was also a single mom for many years. I never went through the resentful stage, only grateful to have a beautiful little baby boy. Everything does work out the way it is supposed to!
ReplyDeleteI think you handled it just fun. You are raising a good kid there. Amber N
ReplyDeleteYour story is very similar to mine and my sons. After 11 years of nothing, suddenly his dad wants to start spending time with him (I was just shy of my 17th bday when I had him). Unfortunately, I had to allow it. The courts would have forced me if I didn't agree willingly. Over a period of one year, he slowly started spending time with my son until it got to where he was going to his house every other weekend (started out supervised at a parenting place). If you were to ask my son who his dad is, he would tell you it is his step father, my husband. He's been his dad in every sense of the word for over 14 years. My ex was ordered to pay child support, but never really did (very VERY sporadic). My husband has always supported him in more ways than one and loves him as if he were his own.
ReplyDeleteI think you handled the situation decently for sure by asking Jordan's opinion. I think the biological dad sounds like one of those people who needs to blame others for his mistakes.
ReplyDeleteYour son sounds like such a mature young man. It's because he had a great mom and dad, even if one isn't blood.
ReplyDeleteI think you handled it the best way, including Jordan in the decision as he's old enough to have a say. It takes a strong eprson to raise a child that isn't theirs. Even as I say that, I don't always feel strong.
ReplyDeleteI think it is great that you let your son decide if he wanted to see his Bio dad. He sounds like a special kid that is happy with his family.
ReplyDeleteYou did a great job - I am sure that was not an easy road to take but you did just great.
ReplyDeleteI think at 10 most kids can tell the difference between right and wrong and he is capable of making that choice.
ReplyDeleteI think the way you handled it was very mature. I've seen how keeping a child away from a parent only hurts the child in the long run. At least you kept the door open and your son knows that it's not you who kept him from his biological father.
ReplyDeleteYou handled the entire situation beautifully. Also, you are raising a wonderful young man who will not repeat the mistakes that man, I won't even call him a father, made. You and hubby should be so proud!
ReplyDeleteI admire those who step into the shoes of missing bio parents. Your don sure has learned the right things from you guys what a sweet and smart one!
ReplyDeleteI really have a lot of words for runaway dad but I will be good on your blog. :) Jordan is very lucky to have your husband take on the privilege of being his dad. I am sorry that his bio was such a jerk and he had to deal with it but it is great that he has a loving family to help him through it all.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a beautiful story! Thank you so much for sharing. It sounds like you are now in a good place.
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing how well you did as a single mother! You did the right thing.
ReplyDeleteYou definitely made the right decision. Had you not involved him in the decision, he could have thought YOU were the one keeping him from bio dad. Your situation describes my best friend's to a tee. Same thing about runaway dad (she was 5 mos pregnant and had a 2 year old by the guy too). 10 years later - "hey! i wanna see my kids". They did the email bit for a few weeks before "dad" had enough and disappeared again. Now the older son realizes that it wasn't mom who kept dad away the whole time. Dad did that all on his own.
ReplyDeleteoh wow.....I admire your strength and love. You could have controlled the situation (and it would have ended badly). But you loved and trusted your son to make his own decision. I admire that!! I think you did an amazing thing!
ReplyDeleteIt is a testament to your parenting skills that Jordan is well adjusted and able to see the silver lining in his fate. Runaway dad might have taught him one thing, to be a better father when he gets the chance.
ReplyDeleteYou did what was right for your son and your family and that is all that matters. I believe I most likely would have done just about the same thing. It is obvious that you and your husband are doing a great job and it is only natural that your son would be interested in connecting with his father and may want to again.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't imagine raising my child without her father! It's great that your husband stepped in and raise your son like his own. That shows a true parent!
ReplyDeleteYou did was was best I think. At ten, I think your son should have a say and know what is going on. I hope that in the future there will be peace. Good work mom!
ReplyDeleteThat's great that at such a young age your oldest knows he wants to be a present father when he as kids one day. I bet you feel so much better after typing out this blog post. I look forward to your weekly Friday Flashback posts, what a great idea.
ReplyDeleteI think you did the best you could do with the situation. When I was 26 I found out the man my mother married wasn't my bio dad. I found him some time later. My 'raised me' dad was abusive. He wasn't really a part of my life. So, bio dad started writing me. He called. Once. And it was to tell me a few months later that he didn't want to tell his family about me. I have a half brother and sister to this day still do not know about me and it rips me apart, especially since we are all in the same state now. So, let me tell you, at 10, they understand. Kiddo is 9 and her parents have been separated since she was just about 3. Momma had an affair and had baby sister. When the divorce was final she married baby daddy. It took kiddo a while, but these last few months she's been able to do the math and figure things out. Parents owe it to their children to be open and honest.
ReplyDeleteYou did a great job and Jordan has a great dad (your husband). my oldest bio dad left when she was 6 months came back about a year later and saw her a half dozen times until she was 4 then was gone for good. i married when she was 6 and my husband has treated her just like she was his bio daughter. anyone can make a baby, it takes real men to be dads.
ReplyDeleteMy oldest is 7 years old and my husband isn't his bio dad. I was almost 20 when I had him, so I know what you mean about growing up quickly!
ReplyDeleteI think you did the right thing in letting them have a chance to get to know each other. It's terrible that his bio dad dropped out of his life again... but it sounds like you raised a great kid who has an amazing father!
ReplyDeleteOMG Don't for a second second guess yourself- you did an amazing job! It is a very hard place and I know quite few moms that handled it VERY differently and there will be a lot of resent there when their kids grow up. You made the right choice! Good job Mama
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